The Starbucks near me is a constant source of anxiety. My issues are personal and hinge on the fact that my reading comprehension skills are low and I never order the same drink twice. This means I’m painfully slow when ordering coffee in a place where the majority of the customers are always in a damn hurry.
The fact that I don’t reside in a bustling metropolis means the Starbucks near me is constantly packed with commuters going to and from work, college kids hanging between classes, truant high school kids and stay-at-home looking for quiet (because the Sbux is quieter than their house. It’s the same as any Starbucks but it always feels like Penn Station at quitting time.
The stress of never knowing what to order and never really wanting the same drink twice means a little hesitation in my order and aggravating the barista, the backup of people behind me in line and myself because I need one signature order. Calm down people, I’m just as busy as you are, these blogs about million dollar rap albums ain’t going to write themselves!
A recent trip to Sbux (I keep using the Nasdaq abbreviation because it’s shorter and I’m lazy) had me contemplating not only the most expensive Starbucks orders possible but secret menu items that could possibly become my signature beverage.
First, because money is what makes this website go round, let’s talk about the most expensive Starbucks drinks.
Ringing up on the register at $47.30, the price of the “Quadriginoctuple Frap” is as ridiculous as it’s name. Created by a lunatic in Washington state, the QF consists of “48-shot mocha frappuccino soy mocha drizzle matcha powder protein (because healthy) powder caramel brulee topping, strawberry, two bananas, caramel drizzle frappuccino chips vanilla bean venti-sized drink.” The drink contain an absurd 3000mg of caffeine.
Next up, this concoction of one Java Chip Frappuccino in a Trenta cup, 16 shots of espresso, a shot of soy milk, caramel flavoring, banana puree, strawberry puree, vanilla beans, Matcha powder, protein powder, and a drizzle of caramel and mocha for a price of $23.60. Sixteen shots of espresso is also the recipe for permanent insomnia.
The last drink, not so expensive compared to the others, but $13.76 is still a crazy sum for java, is a 13 shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel. Just thirteen shots? Amateur.
None of these drinks sound very tasty. I need to saddle up to the counter of the Starbucks near me with a delicious drink choice on the brain, then on the lips, then in my cup while I sip and wonder “why the hell are these people here in the middle of the day? Is the entire world unemployed?
Here are some Sbux secret menu items I’d be willing to work into my drink rotation.
The Tazo Green Tea Creme Frappuccino with chocolate syrup and java chips. Isn’t everything better with choco syrup and java chips? I’d like the Starbucks bathroom floor if someone accidentally dropped java chips on it.
Java Chip Frappuccino with two pumps of toffee nut and a caramel drizzle on top. Tastes just like a Snicker. A secret menu item that probably goes great with a snack, like, a Snickers. There’s also a candy store by the Starbucks near me. In case you care.
Another Starbucks secret menu item that sounds more like desert than morning beverage, the Cookies & Cream Frappuccino this is a White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino blended with java chips and a dash of peppermint syrup. Call ahead for a ride home. You’ll need help getting out of your chair, into a car, and navigating properly.